Forever Yours
by yusahana6323
Summary: Three years after his near-death and reconciliation, Akira faces a new challenge that threatens his peace of mind and happiness with Shirogane... and Homurabi certainly won't let it pass easily. Sequel to "Never Mine". Shirogane/Akira.
1. Chapter 1

_Tadaima._

_Yes, I am back. It has been much, much longer than I thought it would be, but finally I have returned. f^_^; I apologise for the ridiculous wait, but here is the long-demanded sequel to "Never Mine". Currently the entire story is not complete, but the greater part of it is, so to restart my "Monochrome Factor Revival" I thought I would begin to publish._

_I hope you all enjoy it and forgive me for my ridiculous absence. xD_

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><p><span>Prologue<span>

Akira let out a long sigh as he leaned back in his chair, running a hand through his ruffled auburn hair. Lazily he turned his sharp grey eyes to glance at the clock – still a couple of hours before he got to go home. With another sigh, he leaned back over his desk, poising his pen over the papers in front of him. A bit of a pause, and then he said, "What, have you learned English now?"

"It's a bit difficult for me to have not picked something up, Akira-kun," came the light sentence.

Akira wrinkled his nose as silken strands of silver hair cascaded in front of his view, brushing against his face. "You're in my way, I can't see."

He heard the low laugh above him as Shirogane settled his chin on the crown of Akira's head.  
>"Just blow it out of the way."<p>

Another sigh. "Sometimes I wonder how I get any work done with you around."

"Because you're used to it now."

Akira fell silent as he began writing, making bold red marks across the page. He was twenty-one now, working for a small translation company. Though he was into adulthood now, his body was still lean and strong as it had been as a teenager. His face had matured, his deep eyes darkened, and now his auburn hair was kept clipped close to his neck… perhaps those were the only things to show he had changed since his senior year of high school.

That, and his shadow had been replaced with the tall Shin King.

Three years. Akira's pen stopped over the paper as he realized it. It was almost exactly three years to the day. Slowly, he moved his opposite hand down to his stomach, flinching at the slight stab of pain he felt as he pressed his palm into his abdomen. In a flash, the memory of the fear and pain and cold came back to him, racing through his mind… memories of the day he had almost died. Within a few seconds, he felt Shirogane's hand over his own, felt the Shin's lips pressed into his hair.

"Akira-kun," was the soft, loving whisper that stirred the auburn strands in the back of his head.

Akira closed his eyes. He hated that time, so long ago… hated it, loathed it, but at the same time, could never let it go. He could never let it go, because at the end of that time, he had finally been able to become Shirogane's.

The insecurities, the pain, the heartache he could never let go either, although doing so would definitely be best. He couldn't tell Shirogane that part… he couldn't tell the Shin King that some part of him would always be afraid of Ryuuko, of the fact that he was Ryuuko, that he was afraid that 'Akira' couldn't be loved. It would only hurt the Shin, and saying it would hurt Akira more than just keeping it inside. As the years had worn on, the fears and pain had faded mostly away, and they only rose at times few and far between. But still… the fact that they were there made Akira ashamed of himself.

"Akira."

He felt Shirogane move, and the king did so right in time to avoid the folder that now impacted Akira's hair. With a small grumble, he turned his head to see his group manager tapping him.

"What is it, Kawamura-san?"

"You look tired, maybe even a bit sick. You've been working very hard the past few weeks, so why don't you take the rest of the day off and go home to rest?"

"No –"

"Don't worry, you're far ahead of schedule. You'll drop behind if you overwork yourself though. Go rest."

"Thank you, Kawamura-san," he said tiredly, standing and bowing to her. "I apologize."

"Not at all, not at all. Hurry home and rest your cute little head."

And she left the cubicle. Akira pulled his jacket on, slipped his current documents into his bag, and left, calling his goodbyes to the rest of his colleagues as he went out the door. He shivered as the initial cold breeze of early March hit him, but continued on. Shirogane walked close beside him, and Akira glanced out of the corner of his eye to watch the sunset play across the strands of Shirogane's pure hair.

"Should we stop by Master's?" Akira asked after they were a few blocks away.

"Not tonight. Kawamura-san is right, you look tired. I think it's best we just relax at home."

He nodded once, then turned his gaze forward again. His parents, soon after he had gotten this job, had been called back to England for an indefinite amount of time. They were renting the family home to him, saying that once they returned he would have to move out on his own. Akira somewhat doubted they would be returning to Japan, though… they had liked London far too much, and he was sure that the nearly three years of living in Liverpool would not discourage them from setting up permanent residence in Europe. He didn't mind too much; he liked having the house to himself, and he would be reluctant to leave behind all the memories in favour of a flat somewhere downtown.

His thoughts turned to the others, just for a moment. After graduation, he had remained in touch with Kengo and Aya, and they were still in town as well. Both were attending the university in the next town over, and were working part-time – Aya as a kendou instructor, and Kengo as a waiter at one of the higher-class restaurants in the area. The three of them met up every now and then for a little get-together, but they had all been somewhat distant since the incident.

Akira supposed it was mostly his fault. He had separated himself for a long time, and though after everything was over he was more willing to let them back into his life, he had never felt as if things could go back to being the way they were. Sometimes he liked it better this way… sometimes he wished he had tried harder to accept their offers.

Kou, too. Akira knew that Kou and Shirogane had been trying their best to get along for his sake, but although Kou smiled and was bubbly and happy as ever, the young Rei heir could never quite shake the feeling that internally, his "son" was shaking his head and wishing he had never helped…that he had never even pretended to be friends with Shirogane.

"Akira-kun?"

"You look glazed. Are you okay?"

"Fine. Just thinking."

Shirogane raised a pale eyebrow, but as they pushed through the gate to the house, the Shin opened the door to let Akira straggle inside. Akira shrugged off his jacket, letting out a long sigh of relief. He was glad to be home. Before he could walk further in, a hand caught his chin, turning his head around and up to meet Shirogane's lips. It was sudden, but Akira melted in the gesture, welcoming the sudden kiss. As they parted, Shirogane whispered in a low voice, blue eyes serious.

"I love you, Akira-kun."

Akira let his eyes slide closed as he leaned his head forward, searching for another kiss. Shirogane gave it to him, warm and comforting. Akira needed it… he wanted it. Shirogane's taste was so powerful that he wanted to drown in it, and it blocked his senses as the king pressed him against the wall, pushing deeper and deeper. When he came up for air, he whispered hoarsely, "I'm supposed to be resting."

Shirogane had started trailing down his neck, pulling away Akira's shirt, but paused at the boy's words. He said, "Is that going to be your excuse tonight?"

"I'm sorry…"

"No, no." Shirogane straightened up, raising a hand to cup Akira's face. Those icy eyes pierced deep into him, painfully. "I told you I can wait."

"I'm sorry."

Shirogane merely smiled and brushed another light kiss across his mouth before straightening up. "I'll make dinner tonight."

"All right."

Akira went upstairs as Shirogane split from him – he crossed over into his Shin form, hair darkening to black and eyes glowing brilliant red. He took a quick shower, dove into the tub for a few minutes to relax, then hurriedly dried off and dressed in some casual clothes. He ruffled the towel through his hair as he descended the stairs back down to the main level, hair blazing back into auburn and eyes fading to silver as he came within the space limit for Shirogane to act as his doppelganger.

Dinner was quiet, as per usual, but it wasn't a quiet that was uncomfortable. Akira had grown quite used to this understanding silence. His relationship with Shirogane had progressed to the point they didn't need to speak. They could sit quietly like this, in mutual silence, and still enjoy each other.

Shirogane ushered him to bed almost immediately after dinner, and given how much more drowsy he had become, Akira wasn't in the mood to argue. He straggled back up the stairs, sliding into his bed and snuggling under the covers. He was shivering for a few minutes, even as the sheets warmed up, but then he felt the bed sag, and he slipped a few inches back into Shirogane, who wrapped his arms tightly around Akira.

"Sleep well, Akira-kun."

"Good night, Shirogane."

As he drifted off into the sweet relief of sleep, Akira couldn't help but smile, just a bit, to himself. If life could continue like this… just like this… then he could be the happiest person in the world.


	2. Chapter 2

_Whew, just got done with the last day of my last full semester of university. (/=_=)/ So here is a chapter to celebrate! Thank you for the hits and reviews, I thought I would go unnoticed, but it seemed that was not to be the case. ^^_

_I have a poll on my profile asking what YOU, the readers, would like to see from me next, and it will certainly affect what I'm working on! So whether you review or not, if you read this, go vote~!_

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><p><span>Chapter One<span>

He slipped out of bed as the alarm went off, stretching his arms over his head as he crossed the room. Tapping the clock off as he passed it through the door, Akira stumbled into the bathroom, bleary-eyed, and flipped on the light. Splashing cold water over his face helped clear his eyes and his senses, and he hung over the sink basin, breathing deeply for a few moments before he straightened up. Running a wet hand through his hair, he began thinking over what he was going to have to work on today. So deeply absorbed in thought, he didn't notice his reflection for awhile.

Then, a glint caught his gaze, drawing his attention to the mirror, and for the longest time, he stared. After a few moments, he looked over his shoulder, mind whirling, then back again. It took a long time for him to finally sink to his knees, biting back a yell of pain, of frustration, of confusion. He blindly pushed himself to his feet, felt his way back out into the bedroom, then dove into the bed. He pulled the covers up over his head, holding them tightly to his chest. He could feel himself shaking.

"Akira-kun?"

There was Shirogane's voice. Akira shuddered.

"Akira-kun, are you okay?"

"Sick," he choked.

"You're sick? Let me look at you."

"No… no…" He held the sheets tighter as Shirogane tried to pull them away. Akira curled into a ball, shaking harder at the Shin's touch. "Don't…"

A long pause. "All right. I suppose you should just sleep… it might work itself out that way."

He wrestled one arm out of the sheets and felt the bedside table for his phone – finding it, he pulled it in and dialed the office. "Moshi moshi? Kawamura-san, this is Nikaidou… yes, I'm still sick. I'm very sorry. I'll try to get some of it done here. Thank you… thank you. Goodbye."

"Akira-kun, is there anything I can get you?"

"No… thank you."

"Just tell me if I can do anything. I'll be right here."

He felt Shirogane press into his back again, felt the Shin try to hold him close. It was difficult, with Akira curled up so tightly… his mind was racing. Maybe he was wrong… maybe he hadn't seen… but he was afraid to go try to confirm it, so he lay still, trying his best to calm himself.

It wasn't a bit deal… it really wasn't. It happened all the time. It was common. He silently told himself this, over and over and over, but the more he did so, the more his panic rose. It might be common for humans, but he wasn't human. He had never been human. So…

"Do you want something to eat, Akira-kun…?"

"No." He wanted Shirogane away… he wanted to try to sort this out. "But…"

"But?"

"You don't need to stay here with me all day." He tried to sound as normal as possible. It was difficult when his heart was about ready to give out on him. "Why don't you go talk with Master for awhile? It's been some time since you saw him."

"Akira-kun –"

"I'm just going to try to sleep. If I need something, I can get it myself. I'm no child, Shirogane."

A long pause. "Right, then… I'll leave the Doppler with you. Do you want me to bring something back for you?"

"No… just take your time. I'll probably sleep all day. That's no fun for you."

Another long hesitation. "All right." He felt Shirogane move off the bed, heard the Shin moving around the room before something small and light was placed on the pillow above his head. "You have Master's number to call if you need something."

"All right."

He felt Shirogane press his lips against his head… the soft kiss pressed through the sheets covering his hair. "Sleep well. Get better."

"Thank you."

And he was gone. Akira remained tightly curled up for a long time, just to make sure. Then, slowly, he emerged, looking around. He slipped out of the bed, stamped hard on the Doppler that Shirogane had left, and half-ran the few steps to the bathroom, stopping hard at the sink. He stared at himself in the mirror, breathing hard, praying that it was just a trick of the light… just something wrong with his vision.

But it wasn't. His mind slowly shut down. What was he supposed to do?

Dazedly, he wandered back out into the room, changing into some normal clothes. He sat on the edge of the bed, trying to figure something out. After a few moments, he mindlessly got up, pulling the sheets and covers up to make the bed. He had to do something normal… something to keep him busy. Finishing the bed, he strayed back into the bathroom, ignoring the mirror as he made a quick clean there. He ambled down the stairs after that, into the kitchen.

Shirogane had cleaned after dinner. His stomach rumbled, and Akira made his way to the fridge. Finding some leftover fried rice, he warmed it in the microwave and devoured it hungrily. The taste brought some slap of reality to him. He sat quietly, stunned, as he finished before he forced himself to get up and go over to the sink. His mind wandered again as he was washing his plate off. It was impossible…this was…

"Hello, Akira."

He jumped, plate slipping from his hands and crashing back into the sink. There it shattered, but he couldn't care... not when, in turning, he saw Homurabi standing maybe only five feet away. His frame was trembling, the scar across his stomach aching and burning at the memory of his last encounter with the other Shin king.

"Homurabi," Akira snarled, his voice shaking.

"Oh, please don't worry. I'm not here to attack you."

"I don't feel like I can believe you." He gripped the edges of the counter, hunching over just slightly. Not enough to be an entirely defensive position, but enough that he could brace himself against a possible blow.

"And I can't blame you," his deep voice said smoothly. "I just came to have a little chat, that's all. How's Shirogane?"

"None of your damn business."

"Mouthy, aren't you?" He sounded amused, as usual... nothing Akira said or did seemed to make Homurabi feel threatened in the least. The king continued, ignoring Akira's rudeness, "It seems he's doing fine. He's still alive and he's still with you. And how are you doing, Akira?"

"Get out of my house." He raised his voice, hoping that would help convince Homurabi, although he already knew it was in vain.

"How are the two of you doing together?"

"None of your damn business!"

"It seems you two haven't gotten any closer in the past three years."

"I said, it's none of your damn business! Get the hell out of my house!"

"Is there a reason why you... ah... haven't consummated your so-called love?"

Akira felt his cheeks flush red as he half-screamed, "Pervert!"

"Isn't it because Shirogane's just waiting for something?"

"Get the hell out!"

"Isn't he waiting for you to turn into Ryuuko?"

Akira stopped dead, words cut off in his throat. He could do nothing but stare. Homurabi's face was painted with a calm, hauntingly-knowing smile.

"Am I right?"

"No." Akira forced himself to speak. "You're not."

"Oh. I thought for sure that would be the case. He'll never move on from Ryuuko, you know."

"He says he loves me!"

"That's what he would say. But he's lied to you before, hasn't he?"

It was true. Akira tried to shove those stabs of fear out of his mind as he argued, "And besides, I'm not turning into Ryuuko!"

The corners of those black-painted lips twitched up into a more cruelly-amused expression. "You're not blind like my dear Shuichi, Akira. You can see those black patches in your hair, and those shatters of ruby in your eyes, just as well as I can."

"You're wrong!" His voice was shaking now... he couldn't control it.

"Are you hiding in denial now, Akira?"

"Hair gets darker. Eyes change colour. It happens all the time."

"Does it usually change to the colouring of the person you were born to become?"

"Shut up!"

"You're turning into Ryuuko. It's what you were meant to do. You can deny it, but you know it's true. In fact, in denying it, you acknowledge it's true."

"I am not turning into Ryuuko!"

"I must admit, the paranoia I instilled in you held it off for three years. That's not bad. But Shirogane's waiting for it, Akira, hiding behind the curtain of lies he wove to feed you. And you ate right out of his hand, like a starving dog, hungrily believing those little lies he told you. Things like 'I love you, Akira' and 'I gave up on Ryuuko, Akira'... you swallowed them whole, trying to delude yourself into thinking he was telling the truth. You blinded yourself by hanging on his every word, convinced that it was all gospel, trying to make yourself feel like you were special."

"You're wrong!" He was right... he was dead right. Akira's reactions were far out of his control now... he felt the tears brimming in his eyes, saw his vision wavering. Homurabi still looked very cool and collected.

"For how smart everyone says you are, you're unbelievably stupid, believing all those little things."

"Shut up!"

"You're turning into Ryuuko, just like you were meant to do. Just as Shirogane has hoped and dreamed you would."

"I'm not!"

"You're hiding from him because it's the truth. If you really trusted him as much as you said, you wouldn't be here right now. You'd be out normally conducting your life."

It was true. His legs were getting weak, his hands clenched on the counter the only thing holding him up. "You're wrong!"

"How long do you think you can hide from him, Akira?" Homurabi's voice was smooth, silky. "Do you think you can keep your head under the covers forever? The black in your hair will just spread, and the ruby fragments in your eyes will crystallize into full gems. You wouldn't notice in one year or even two, but you'd soon see you stopped aging physically after your twentieth birthday. And you can try all you want to hide it, but he will find out. And then, what do you think he'll do?"

"Shut up!"

"He'll covet you so badly, he'll do everything he can to have you, because there will be no 'Akira'. There will be no 'you'. There will only be Ryuuko."

"No!"

"Even if Ryuuko's consciousness doesn't resurface – which it should, given you were meant to be his replacement, the vessel for which he could return – Shirogane will never see you as anything but him. 'Akira' will fade away as Ryuuko becomes more and more vivid."

"No!"

"In fact, I bet as soon as he sees the transformation is beginning to take place, he'll try to get at you. Just the thought that Ryuuko is finally returning will spur him on."

"You're wrong!"

"Oh, I am?" A low chuckle. "That's right, you've been living with him for a few years. Certainly you know my King, whom I have spent countless time with, better than I do." Homurabi turned, opening a portal to the darkness with one hand. "I enjoyed our little talk, Akira. Perhaps I'll come visit again sometime soon. Please take care of yourself."

He stepped into the swirling black-violet, flaming hair dancing on the air behind him, and was gone. Akira collapsed to his knees, allowing his tears of fear, of pain, of hate and anger, to flow down his face now.

He hadn't needed to be in that defensive position at all. Homurabi didn't need to touch him to tear his entire being apart.


	3. Chapter 3

_Uweeeehhhhhh I had finals and then LIFE HAPPENED so I am almost two months late updating ;A; Forgive meee~_

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><p><span>Chapter Two<span>

"Aya? You're here too?"

She glanced over, surprised to see Kengo approaching. "Yeah… Akira called you?"

"Yeah. He asked me to buy something for him."

"Same here."

"What did you get?"

"Contacts. You?"

"Hair dye."

They looked at each other quizzically for a few moments before they pushed through the front gate, ascended the few steps to the front door, and Aya knocked. The windows were dark, but they heard Akira's footsteps trace to the door. It opened slowly, and the youngest of the three of them glanced out. He had a hood pulled low over his face, so they could hardly see his eyes.

"Akira…?"

"Did you bring them?"

"Y-yes, we did."

"Thank you."

A hand emerged from the door, open to receive their favours. Again, the two looked at each other, but it was Kengo who spoke this time.

"Akira, what's going on?"

"It doesn't matter. Give me them. I'll pay you back."

"What are these for, Akira?"

"It doesn't matter."

"This hair dye is your natural colour!" Aya exclaimed.

"And these contacts are coloured grey!" Kengo added.

"Shut up! Just give them to me!"

"Not without an explanation!"

Aya and Kengo glared at him, and he glared right back with his mostly-hidden eyes. He was angry, they could tell, but after a long, tense silence, Akira muttered, "You won't tell a soul."

"Of course not."

"Not a single soul!"

"Promise," both Aya and Kengo said solemnly at the same time.

A dubious pause, but then the door opened, allowing them in. They slipped off their shoes and hurried down the hallway to the living room. Akira followed them, and as they turned, he slid his hood back. There it was… they were staring. He wanted to turn his head… he didn't want to look at them… but he made himself gaze back.

"A-Akira…"

"Your hair is turning black…"

"And your eyes… they have red specks in them…"

"Are you fully turning into a Shin?" Aya asked carefully. He saw her grip on the bag tighten.

"No," he said, trying to keep his voice calm. "I'm reverting to Rei."

"To Ryuuko?" Kengo tried tentatively.

Akira tried to strangle the feelings that assaulted him at mention of the Rei King – it took him awhile to shove them back, and when he didn't respond, Kengo's gaze dropped. There was a long silence.

"Shouldn't you let Shirogane-san know?" Aya whispered.

"No!" Akira barked, and when they jumped, again tried to calm himself. "No. Don't tell anyone."

"Kou-nii?"

"Do you know what 'don't tell anyone' means? It means don't say a word to another living soul!"

"So you want to hide it, Akira?"

"Yes! I do!"

"Why is that? Is it because you're being a coward?" Aya demanded, now regaining her steam.

"Why are you hiding?"

"Because I don't want to be him!"

The words came out before Akira could think of them, but he didn't want to try and take them back. It hurt, keeping it all inside… it had to get out. He turned his head, struggling to keep himself under control. Aya was staring… Kengo looked confused, but worried. He hated it… he hated feeling their pity. He hated how this had to happen to him.

"I don't want to be him," Akira whispered again. "I don't want to have to live up to his name." He had to try hard to hold back, _I don't want to be the subject of Shirogane's love for him. I don't want to be his replacement._

A long, tense silence. Then, Aya spoke again. "Do you want some help? With… dying your hair, that is. It can be difficult to do on your own."

He swallowed back the lump in his throat. "Yeah… sure," he replied hoarsely.

"I'll help too," Kengo offered. "I've done my own hair."

"All right." He managed a weak, watery smile. "Thank you."

~.oOOo.~

"Akira-kun?"

He looked over his shoulder at Shirogane, who was standing in the doorway. "Shirogane, welcome back."

"Are you feeling better, Akira-kun?"

"Much. Sleep works wonders." He turned back to the stove, stirring the curry bubbling brightly in the pot. "Though I should probably get to bed early again tonight."

"That's a good idea. Here." Shirogane put a bag on the counter. "Master sent that for you, to help you feel better."

"I'll have to thank him next time I see him."

A long pause – he felt Shirogane's eyes piercing the back of his neck. A bit of panic rose in him… did the king sense it? Did he know? Had he seen last night? Or had he seen them already, and Akira had just barely noticed? He tried his best to keep relaxed, trying to blank his mind.

Shirogane's strong arms were suddenly around him, holding him close. He tensed up again as he felt the Shin's face press into his neck. Shirogane's breath tickled him, and he squirmed a bit, letting out a surprised, sharp sigh.

"Shirogane…"

"You need to rest more," was the low murmur. "That's why you're sick, you know. You overwork yourself."

"I know." He closed his eyes, allowing himself to relax… not too much, though. He still had the itching feeling Shirogane knew. "But –"

"You are keeping too much inside."

"Hm? What do you mean?"

"Frustration… fear… sadness… I haven't seen you cry, or get angry in the last three years. Your expression changes, but that's it. You don't yell or fight or anything. That affects you too."

"Oh."

"I'm worried about you, Akira-kun."

"You don't need to be." He squirmed a bit now. "Please let go."

"You've been holding back on me," was the other dangerously low whisper. Akira froze at that, heart beating in his throat. "That's not good for you, either."

"Shirogane…"

"Hm." A light kiss against his neck. Akira shivered and moaned as the kisses traced slowly down to his shoulder. "You need some more energy."

"Shirogane, stop…"

"How long have you resisted me?" was the warm reply. "Four years? You are a tough one… but…"

He was scared… very scared. Akira roughly whirled, throwing Shirogane off. He was breathing hard, trying to fight back those feelings. Shirogane looked at him, and for a moment Akira faltered. That light in those blue eyes wasn't angry, but rather… almost disappointed.

"Shi-Shirogane…" There were so many reasons to hold back right now… did he tell Shirogane why? Or was now a good time?

But then the king smiled. "I'm getting closer."

Akira let out a long sigh before he half-turned back. "So you think."

"You can't resist forever Akira… not when I know you want it too."

Akira bit his tongue. Shirogane stepped closer again, kissing the top of Akira's head now.

"It's okay. We have forever."

_No,_ Akira thought to himself. _No we don't._


	4. Chapter 4

_heflkjllkashgkdsjkfj HI I'M NOT DEAD I PROMISE I JUST FAIL AT REMEMBERING TO DO THINGS._

_*posts chapter, sits in corner and pets guitar*_

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><p><span>Chapter Three<span>

"… You're sure?"

"Yeah." Akira managed a weak smile. "I need some time to think."

"About what?"

Akira didn't answer, and Shirogane seemed to get the cue. "All right, Akira-kun. Be safe."

"Thank you, Shirogane."

The Shin king waved as Akira left – he watched the young man until he turned the corner out of sight. Then, slowly, he followed, tracing a similar path. However, his brought him to the door of a bar, which he opened and passed into.

"Good day, Shirogane," came Master's smooth voice.

"Same to you, Master." Shirogane carefully shut the door and walked to the counter. He seated himself with a sigh.

"How's Akira-kun?"

"He's better now."

"You're not with him."

"He wanted to go on his own again today."

"Hm." Master put down his cloth and leaned one hand against the counter. "It's good that he's feeling confident enough to go out. …Shirogane?"

"I hate to pour out my troubles to you, Master."

The bartender laughed. "It comes with the job. Let's see if I can't help you."

"It's… that… Akira-kun and I…"

"Ah. Well… four years, about, right?"

"I believe so."

"Well, there are ups and downs. I think it's best you didn't bed him right away, Shirogane. That probably would have made things worse. But after four years, and he's still resisting… I think that either Akira-kun's too afraid to go further, or he's not as serious about the relationship as you might like."

Shirogane let out a long sigh. "Can I get something to drink?"

An apologetic smile. "Sure."

The Shin took a long swig when Master set the glass down in front of him. Master waited patiently until Shirogane set the glass back on the counter and asked thickly, "Is it normal?"

"Hm?"

"To be afraid."

"Don't tell me you're not nervous."

Shirogane folded his arms on the counter, resting his chin on them. "More for him than for myself."

"I don't think you ever quite gave Akira-kun the chance to come to terms with himself."

The king let out a low growl, then glanced up at Master. "I'm sorry to talk to you about stuff like this."

"No." A weak smile. "It's better to try and work through it."

"You were scared."

"Terrified. But… my circumstances were quite different from Akira-kun's." A pause. "Promise me you'll never do that to him, Shirogane."

"I won't… I'd never force him."

"Thank you." It was a quiet word.

They sat in silence for awhile before Master said, voice back to normal, "Anything else?"

There was something, but Shirogane said, "No. Thank you, Master."

"You should talk with him about it… ask him. It's not good for you to have to make assumptions."

"All right." Slowly, he raised the glass and took another deep drink. "Though he's always been a bit unwilling to talk to me."

"That's true. This would probably be something difficult for him to talk about with you." Master raised his hand to his chin in his usual thoughtful pose. "If you want, I could try to act as mediator for you two."

"I'll see if I can talk to him first. It would be better that way… but I will remember your offer."

He would talk to Akira tonight. Things had to be set straight now.

~.oOOo.~

He felt horrible all through work.

Akira always did feel as if he had done something wrong every time he denied Shirogane. The Shin was right… Akira did want to feel that close. He did want to experience that intimacy. He did love Shirogane, he always had, and it was a dream to have the Shin so close. But something in him held him back, every time… some sort of irrational fear kept him pushing Shirogane away.

The fact that he was hiding something so crucial was only compounding his guilt. He hated to hide it from Shirogane, but this was part of his fear that had been continuing through all these years. He had hoped that though he was afraid of Ryuuko, he would be able to move past it just as Shirogane had.

But Homurabi's words kept coming back to him…: _He'll never move on from Ryuuko. He's lied to you before. You ate right out of his hand, like a starving dog, hungrily believing those little lies he told you. Things like 'I love you, Akira' and 'I gave up on Ryuuko, Akira'... you swallowed them whole. You're turning into Ryuuko, just like Shirogane has hoped and dreamed you would. Even if Ryuuko's consciousness doesn't resurface, Shirogane will never see you as anything but him._

Akira shook his head viciously, biting back the tears and flinching heavily as his scar burned, as if reacting to the memory of its creator. He had to try to forget it… it wasn't anything he needed to remember.

As much as he was dreading going home, time flew by, and it didn't feel like it had been more than an hour before he was out the door and walking home. He took slow steps, trying to work things out, but he was still very tired and his mind kept wandering.

Could he explain it to Shirogane…? He had become rather quiet and introverted, just as Shirogane had said. Surely he could tell Shirogane what was going on, and things would be fine. Every time the Shin king reassured him, he felt absolutely sure of the truth of his words. Akira's senses weren't always very sharp, but he was more than sure that if Shirogane had been lying through the past three years just as Homurabi had claimed, he would have picked it up.

He became more confident as he walked, and his pace quickened as he approached his home. Yes… he could explain it. That would be the best thing to do. Now he was through the gate, through the front door, and as he slipped off his shoes, he called, "I'm back!"

"Welcome home, Akira-kun," came Shirogane's voice.

The resolve that had built up in him completely fell away at the sound of the Shin's voice. Akira stood in the doorway, trembling slightly, all the feelings and fears of the past three years rushing through him. Shirogane must have sensed something, because he appeared in the hallway, worriedly asking, "Akira-kun, are you okay?"

He mentally shook himself. "I'm fine… fine."

Shirogane blinked, then smiled and reached out, brushing a hand through Akira's hair. "It looks like the break did you some good. You look like you're in good spirits."

"Yeah…"

"I need to have a talk with you. Do you have a few minutes you can spare?"

"Yeah." Panic was rising in him. Did Shirogane know? "Right now?"

"Yes. Shall we?"

He followed Shirogane into the living room, where they both sat down together. There was a bit of silence; Akira hands were folded in his lap, shaking, and softly one of Shirogane's touched them.

"What's wrong, Akira-kun?"

"I just... I'm nervous, I guess." He swallowed hard. "I know what you want to talk about."

A soft smile. "It's okay, Akira-kun. I just want to ask you something."

"All right." His voice was shaking too. Shirogane's expression turned to apologetic.

"I'm sorry… you really are scared, aren't you?"

Mutely, Akira nodded.

"You know I love you and would never do anything to hurt you."

Wait a second.

"So I want to try and help you. If you don't want to, that's fine, but…" Shirogane's hand moved up to Akira's face, gently running a finger over his eyes. "I want the two of us to be happy and comfortable with each other, but I want to be as close to you as possible."

"Shirogane…"

"It's not that I can't wait, but I'm afraid for what might happen to you if we do. Please let me help you, Akira-kun."

Now. Panic overtook him. Shirogane would find out at some point. It had to happen now. But despite the panic and the drive, his inexplicable terror rose in him again, keeping him petrified to the spot. Shirogane was watching his face carefully, gauging his reaction for awhile, before he spoke again.

"I can try and help you, but you need to talk to me about it, Akira-kun. Do you know why you're so scared?" Those blue eyes were piercing deep into him. Shirogane's fingers were playing with his hair, softly, gently. "Or is it…"

Slowly, Shirogane's hand pulled back, holding something in front of Akira's eyes. It took a second for his vision to focus, but when he did, his mind went blank.

"… because you're trying to hide something from me?"

It was a single, ebony-black hair.


	5. Chapter 5

_I'm in the middle of moving but I didn't want to forget you guys, so here is the next chapter! You're all welcome!  
><em>

* * *

><p><span>Chapter Four<span>

"Akira-kun."

Slowly, he raised his eyes to Shirogane's. His expression must have divulged pure terror, because the Shin king let out a long sigh.

"They started turning black a week ago, Akira-kun."

He was shaking so hard even his sight was trembling… or maybe that was tears. His voice wouldn't come… his body wouldn't move. He didn't know what to do, so he just stared.

"Same with your eyes. Colour contacts aren't going to hide anything. Even in your natural colour, they stand out too much. And the smell of hair dye stays."

"You knew." It came out from stiff, trembling lips.

"I should have told you, I know… I'm sorry."

"That's why… that's why you… you've been…"

Shirogane seemed to instantly realize what Akira was saying, because his eyes widened. "Akira-kun, no, that's not –"

"You've been trying to seduce me almost every day this last week… that's why…"

"Akira-kun!"

His body finally acted – he was on his feet, backing away. "No… you still…"

Shirogane stood as well, coming close, his form swimming in Akira's view. "Akira-kun, calm down. Listen to yourself."

"You still want him…"

"No, I don't."

"You still want Ryuuko…"

"I don't. I haven't even spoken his name for three years!"

Akira turned, but Shirogane seized his arm. His grip was tight, and it hurt. Akira yelped in pain, trying to twist away.

"Let go!"

"Stop it and calm down. I'm trying to talk to you –"

"You were going to let it go on… until I turned into him!"

"Don't you think I can love you even if your hair turns black?"

Akira dug in his heels, yanking his arm, trying to work himself free. "Let go!"

Shirogane's eyes sharpened, and Akira felt himself flung through the air. He landed hard on the couch, and Shirogane was on top of him in an instant, pinning him down. The younger one struggled, trying to get away, but the Shin was very strong, and his knee on Akira's thigh was keeping him from getting anywhere.

"Get off me!"

"Calm down," Shirogane said quietly. "You're acting like a child."

"Get off!"

Shirogane looked tortured, but he bent his head low. Akira bristled, turning his head, but Shirogane's lips brushed his cheek in a soft kiss.

"I love you, Akira-kun."

"Stop it!"

"You. Haven't I been telling you that all these years?" Shirogane's low, serious voice sent shivers through Akira, weakening his will.

_He'll covet you so badly, he'll do everything he can to have you. I bet as soon as he sees the transformation is beginning to take place, he'll try to get at you._ The voice echoed in his head, making the insecurity in his stomach boil.

"Get off of me!"

"Akira-kun –"

"Stop using me as his replacement!"

Shirogane went stiff – Akira looked up into those widened blue eyes, which then slowly, bitterly narrowed.

"You think I'm using you as his replacement?"

He was suddenly lifted by his collar and slammed into the wall above the couch. He might have struggled, but the sudden iciness in Shirogane's voice froze him. He trembled, frightened of the blackness that seemed to swirl around the Shin.

"You think I'm using you as his replacement?" A low, angrily-snorting laugh. "Akira-kun, if sex was all I was after, don't you think I could have taken it already? If I was serious, you never would have been able to get away."

"Let… go of me…"

"So who's been talking to you? You seem all of a sudden very paranoid again. Unless you've somehow managed to hide that too, you couldn't have snapped back to this mindset on your own. You are rather transparent, Akira-kun."

"No one's been talking to me," Akira snarled, gripping Shirogane's hand tightly. "Let me go!"

Shirogane was still glaring angrily, but all of a sudden it fled his eyes, and slowly he set Akira back down on the couch. Akira struggled, trying to break away from the king's grip, but now his voice had faded down, and that kept him limply in place.

"I love you… I've been telling you that for three years. I've been by you for three years, loving you, holding you, comforting you… I thought we had worked this out. I thought that we had realized the mistakes we both made and tried to learn from them, together. Why is this happening again? I can't deal with it… I can't lose you again, Akira-kun. I love you."

"Stop saying that! Why lie to me? Why not tell me this is happening to me?"

"Because I thought you would react like this." Shirogane's grip on his shirt was shaking now. "If I had known you would take it better if I had told you… I thought that if you discovered it for yourself… then…"

Akira punched him with all the strength he could muster – Shirogane merely turned his head, not struggling or resisting.

"Get out," he snarled.

"Akira-kun –"

"Get out! Don't come anywhere near me!"

"I have to –"

"Give me the Doppler, right now! Then get out!"

Slowly, Shirogane straightened up. His bangs had come loose from where they were usually tucked behind his ear, fringing over his eyes. He drew the Doppler out of his coat pocket and hesitatingly placed it down by Akira, who was tense, ready to strike at the slightest movement.

"Don't destroy what we have over your hair changing colour, Akira… I beg you, don't do this."

Akira closed his eyes to the pleading whisper. He had to be strong… he couldn't let himself lose out to that voice… that voice that had lied to him so many times. "I said, get out!"

Shirogane hesitated for a long time, but then slowly turned and was gone. Akira remained stiff, tense, before hot tears burned their way down his cheeks. That was his senses telling him that Shirogane was gone… and he wouldn't come back.

~.oOOo.~

"Shirogane?"

The Shin King merely brushed past Master, who, looking very confused, retreated back into the bar rather than flip the sign to open it. Dark clouds were hanging low in the sky as he locked the door. Shirogane collapsed at the counter.

"Shirogane, what's happened?" the bartender asked, hurrying back to the counter.

"Drink."

"I want a drink."

Master's face turned sorrowful. "You're not one to drown your sorrows, Shirogane."

"I want a drink."

"You can't drown your sorrows. You don't even have a chance –"

"Master, I'm begging you for a drink."The younger one let out a long sigh, then poured a tall, heavy glass of dark liquid. "Here. It's the strongest one I have."

Shirogane gulped it down quickly, slamming the glass down. "More."

"What happened?"

"More."

"Tell me what happened first. Then I'll decide whether or not to send you back or to give you more."

A long pause. Then, Shirogane said, "He broke it up."

Master looked stunned. "What?"

"You heard me. He broke it up."

"But… Akira-kun…" Master's face was as confused as Shirogane felt. "I said… I said he might not be serious, but I didn't honestly believe it…"

"More."

"Shirogane –"

"He kicked me out. I want more."

"- you aren't the one to give up. You don't do that. You've been trying so hard for four years."

"Master, please… just let me try to erase it for a bit."

A hesitation, then the bartender poured more. "Shirogane, it won't help, you least of all."

"I know." It was gone in a few seconds. "If I throw up maybe I'll realize it's not a nightmare."

"Why did he do this?"

"His hair is turning black, and his eyes are turning red."

"So he's reverting. He's upset about that?"

"More."

A sigh, and more dark liquid spilled into the glass. "I thought he was stronger."

"He's been holding in all those insecurities… he's not the type to let that kind of thing go." Shirogane sipped at his drink now. He felt angry, confused, bitter. He didn't know what had happened. Akira had seemed to be getting so much better…! "Although he is the type to try his hardest to get over it."

"He seemed like he was doing okay…"

"That's why I think someone else has a hand in this."

A long, trembling pause. "Shirogane…"

"He just doesn't have to see me, right?" He took a long swig. "I'm not going to let anything happen to him again."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Five

He curled up, shaking and cold in his bed, trying to hold back his tears. His chest felt very tight as he fought to keep himself under control. He tried to erase the memory of Shirogane's tortured face, of his pleading whispers, of his angry and then gentle touch. There had been no hint of lust, only of concern. He doubted himself for a moment...

But Shirogane had known all that time, and hadn't said a word. Why wouldn't he, if he didn't truly want Ryuuko? There was no reason to hide such a thing... his protest that he feared Akira's reaction didn't reach him. Fear or not, Shirogane should have spoken up. That was the right thing to do.

Tears were burning down his face down – Akira swallowed hard, trying to strangle the emotions. He couldn't be surprised. It had all happened before, anyhow. This was nothing to lose his mastery of his emotions over.

He suddenly missed that constant, loving presence at his back. He missed the soft kisses in his hair and the gentle embrace. The traditional, "Good night," whispered through his mind, and he couldn't hold back all the fear and sadness and pain anymore. It burst from his lungs, past the blockade in his throat, to spill out in wild, raw sobs.

He didn't understand why this had to happen to him... he had thought he could finally be happy. He'd thought he could finally start to settle down.

Perhaps he had been better off dead after all.

.oOOo.

The torture was clear on Akira's face – it made Shirogane want to go right in and hold him close. He wanted to whisper to him and tell him it would be okay. It had worked so well for three years... he had thought that finally, things would start working out.

"He's quite beautiful."

Shirogane whirled, eyes flashing, to see Homurabi beside him. The younger king's golden, cat-like eyes were fixated on Akira, who was sleeping restlessly alone in the large bed. Shirogane felt his ire rise.

"Homurabi, what are you doing here?"

"I heard you two had broken up. Again." Homurabi glanced at him with a wide smile. "So I thought, why don't I take a turn? You have no monopoly on him."

"So it was you that poisoned him."

"Hm...?"

"Akira was doing so well. You must have talked with him and pushed him back over the edge."

"I did no such thing." Homurabi's gaze was back on the sleeping Akira. "But it seems you two didn't get any closer in the three extra years you had. If it was you, Shirogane, I was sure you would have mated him half to death by now."

His lip curled, a growl rumbling up from his throat. "What the hell would you know?"

"He's the sort to devote his entire being to someone," the redhead mused, ignoring Shirogane and taking an unusually thoughtful pose. "Whether or not it's his choosing."

Shirogane rounded now, snarling. "Stay away from him."

"I want him." Homurabi turned to fully face him, smirking. "I want that beauty, and I want to strip it all away, slowly and painfully."

"You damn -"

"You had your chance. If he didn't agree to it, you still could have forced him into it and he would have come to love you eventually. But you didn't. Or is it that since he can never love a liar like you, you don't want him to feel that way for anyone else?"

"He's had enough. You keep your filthy hands away from him!"

"But I'm merciful. Tell you what, Shirogane. I'll give you another few days. If you can bed him, I'll leave him be. But if you don't, I'll take my turn at it."

"Don't you dare!"

"You'll have to force him into it."

"He's scared." Shirogane, despite his snarling, felt his voice shaking. "I can't do that to him."

"So you're willing to hand him over to me then?"

"Stay away from him!"

"All right. Five days. That should be enough time for you to gather enough gut to actually do something." His smile broadened. "Have fun, Shirogane. It is pleasure, after all." And he was gone.

Slowly, shakingly, Shirogane looked back at Akira. Even from this distance, he could see the tears tracing down the young man's face in his sleep. He bit his lip. Akira was cold and lonely... he couldn't just watch. He closed his blue eyes and appeared in the room. Silently, he leaned over his opposite and softly brushed away those tears with the back of his hand. Akira shifted slightly in his sleep, but seemed to relax a bit more at his touch.

His own tears were slipping down his face. He couldn't do this... he couldn't do that to Akira. It wasn't hard to tell that the boy was scared of getting that close. If things were at best, he had expected to take a few weeks to get Akira comfortable. But to make him go all the way in five days...

Shirogane felt overwhelmed with despair. He folded his arms over his knees and buried his face, allowing himself to cry.

.oOOo.

"Is that you, Akira-kun?"

"Yeah." Akira dropped onto a stool. "I haven't been for awhile."

A soft smile. "How are you feeling?"

He blinked, surprised. "You mean, Shirogane hasn't come by?"

"He has, but I'm asking you. Shirogane can't know what you think and feel all the time."

Akira looked around suspiciously, feeling for the Shin King, but found no trace of him.

"What's going on, Akira? You two seemed like you were doing so well."

"He's been pretending."

"Why do you think that?"

"I'm reverting, and he didn't tell me!"

"And you think that means that he's been pretending for the entirety of three years to love you."

"Yes."

Master was quiet for awhile before he said, "Akira, you know how unreasonable you're being. You can hear yourself. You know this is stupid."

"No, I-"

"Who's been talking to you?"

"No one!"

"Homurabi, right?"

Master's voice was quavering. Akira stared.

"Akira-kun, I know that you're kind of wild when it comes to your emotions, but why stick with this ridiculous reasoning? Shirogane has been beside you for three years, doing his very best to help you heal. If he wanted to mess with you, you wouldn't have been able to do anything about it. But he's held out for your sake, doing everything he could with little reward more than to be by your side. And you're going to throw it all away because your hair is turning black and your eyes are turning red?"

"That's not it..."

"You're not making much of an argument, Akira-kun."

"How can I trust him, if he won't tell me something so important? I trusted him... and he hid it from me. That isn't something he should lie to me about! I begin reverting into Ryuuko, and he begins pressing harder to seduce me... what is that supposed to tell me?!"

"Akira-kun, calm down."

"If he tells me he loves me, then why start trying harder to have sex with me when I'm turning back into Ryuuko?!"

Master shook his head. "You are overthinking things, Akira-kun. That's not what it is and I know you don't really believe it. You're letting your insecure side take over, and it's ruining your life. You need to talk through this with Shirogane."

"I don't want to see him anymore!"

"Then why are you crying?"

He was... he felt the tears running in rivers down his cheeks. He rubbed his palm against his eyes hard. "I'm not!"

"Akira-kun, stay here. I'll call him. I'll stay here too and -"

"Forget it!"

"Akira-kun!"

He half-ran, hugging himself tightly as he went home. He knew... he knew that everything Master said was true. But that fear wouldn't let him free of its clutches, and he couldn't allow Shirogane back no matter how much he wanted to.

He couldn't do it... he couldn't live with disappointment. He couldn't let Shirogane get close only to be let down. He'd rather live with a memory of love. He couldn't live with being torn apart again. He'd rather... he'd rather...

.oOOo.

Master sighed as Shirogane descended the stairs, looking bleary-eyed and half dead. "I'm sorry, Shirogane."

"I didn't think it was going to work either." The king stood at the foot of the staircase, looking lost and dazed. "I don't know what to do."

"You're sure... Homurabi said..."

"You know him just as well as I." Shirogane sounded like he was about to break down again. "I don't dare disregard him."

Master looked like he had been stabbed. "Shirogane, what are you going to do?"

"I'll have to... do it..."

"Shirogane..."

His aura was so lost. Master felt his way over and enveloped Shirogane in a hug. The king clung to him, and he felt hot tears raining into his shoulder.

"I don't want to... I don't want to do that to him... but I..."

Master was silent for a long time before he said tremblingly, "Better it's you, Shirogane."

"... Master?"

"Don't let Homurabi... don't let Homurabi do anything to him. Akira-kun wants to be with you, Shirogane but... right now... you don't have time to beg his forgiveness."

" No... I suppose not." A long pause. "But... what if... what if he doesn't forgive me?"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Six

"I'm sorry, Kawamura-san..."

"No, Akira-kun. You really don't sound well at all." She sounded very worried. "You can do the translations from home if you want, but there's no rush. You're still ahead of schedule. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?"

"No, thank you. This is something I need to work out myself."

"All right. If there's anything I can help you with, let me know."

"Thank you. I'm sorry."

And he hung up before flinging the phone across the room and crouching on his heels, ready to burst out into tears again. He couldn't deal with this pain... he had been so hopeful that this time things would really work out. But no... his hopes had been far too high.

He couldn't deal with it. He didn't know what to do.

His mind kept repeating him him, _You were better off dead. Far better off dead._ He had to swallow hard, trying to keep himself from believing it. But it was so hard… if he had died, he wouldn't have gotten his hopes up. Those hopes wouldn't have been dashed.

What else could he do? Nothing. He didn't want to see Shirogane, even though every bit of him cried for the Shin's touch. He didn't want to hear that voice, though he was longing so much for it he was thirsty for the slightest low note. He buried his face in his knees, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

He hadn't ever wanted to cry because of this again.

His sobs faded away eventually, stripped from his throat with the onset of bitter, hiccupping breaths. He remained in his curled position for awhile until he felt his tears had dried. He suddenly felt the need to get out, to go see someone. He stood, wincing as his cramped muscles stretched, and pulled on a jacket before he wandered out, barely attentive enough to remember to lock the front door.

He didn't know where he was going, but he found himself in the area Kou lived. His heavy steps dragged to the front door. He was about to raise his hand to knock when a voice called his name, and it froze him. He didn't turn around, didn't look.

"Akira-kun," Shirogane repeated sorrowfully. "Please don't ignore me."

He couldn't respond. His throat was paralyzed.

"I know you don't really think I don't care. I know you want me back. You have no idea how much I just want to hold you right now. You're scared, and I understand that. Please… talk with me about it. Of all things that changed in the last few years, that hasn't. We don't talk much more than we used to… not about anything that matters. I'm willing to listen. I'm willing to work things out with you. Please… please."

Akira's soul ached. He wanted to say yes. He wanted to turn around and throw his arms around Shirogane. He only felt safe, and warm, in those strong arms… when he pressed his face to that strong chest.

But he couldn't. He raised a trembling hand to the door and knocked.

"Akira-kun!"

He heard Shirogane coming closer now, and his panic rose. He started banging on the door, screaming, "Kou-nii!"

"Akira-kun!"

"Kou-nii!"

A hand seized his wrist, stopping his flails against the door, but before Akira could turn the door flew open, and Kou was there.

"Aki… what –"

"Kou-nii, help, help me!"

"Kou, step down. This doesn't concern you," was Shirogane's cold response.

Those gold-grey eyes flashed. "'Doesn't concern me', Shirogane?! It looks to me like you're abusing Aki."

"You don't know –"

Kou grabbed Akira's hand, wresting it away from Shirogane, and pulled the younger man into the house. Shirogane was instantly on his heels, dogging them into the front room.

"You don't know what's going on, Kou," Shirogane snarled. "Step down!"

"Absolutely not. Leave Aki alone!"

"Kou!"

The elder whirled, stepping in between Shirogane and Akira, and said coldly, "It looks like you're chasing Aki down, trying to force him into something he doesn't want."

"What would you know?"

"This is my house and I have not invited you. Get out."

"Kou –"

"Get. Out."

A long, tense silence, intensified by the snarling glowers both were driving at each other. Akira trembled, hiding behind Kou, afraid for what might happen. But then, to his surprise, Shirogane straightened up.

"I'll come again later."

He briskly turned and left, slamming the front door behind him. Akira's knees gave out on him, and he slipped to the ground, shaking hard.

"Thanks, Kou-nii," he whispered hoarsely.

Kou was still holding on to him. He gently released Akira's hand now, turning to shower him with a warm smile. "Anytime for you, Aki." The smile slipped slightly. "What is going on? I trust your word more than his."

Akira, still trying to regain himself, tremblingly told Kou what was going on – how he was reverting, how Shirogane had hidden it, how the Shin was continuing to assail him. Kou nodded understandingly, and once Akira's voice had trailed off, said, "Shirogane has always been selfish. He's never considered anyone but himself. I'm not surprised that side of him eventually came back out."

"I'm afraid… I'm afraid to go out. I'm afraid of what he might make me do."

"You're welcome to stay here, Aki. I'll fight him if I need to."

"Thank you."

.oOOo.

He awoke in that same spot, huddled in the corner, his head resting against the wall. His neck felt twisted – he winced as he straightened up, rubbing at the sore spot. Almost as soon as that happened, Kou was in front of him, offering a mug of coffee.

"You sure you're okay, Aki?"

"Why?" Akira asked, gratefully accepting the mug. It scorched his fingers… a wonderful sort of burn. He sipped at it carefully.

"You cried yourself to sleep."

Akira didn't respond to that, instead staring down into the black-brown depths of the coffee. Kou sighed before he rustled his hand through Akira's hair.

"There's no need to feel so sad. At least some part of you knows that this was bound to happen."

He had been afraid it would happen. Akira wondered why he hadn't heeded that voice in the back of his mind that had always been whispering that the bliss and happiness wouldn't last… that something would happen to shatter it. He withdrew, not wanting to feel Kou's touch anymore.

"Aki?"

"I really… I really do love him," he whispered, so low that his breath barely made ripples on the surface of the coffee. "But he…"

A loud bang issued from the door, startling both of them; Akira jumped and spilled the burning coffee over himself. Kou stood up, glaring at the door as Akira whimpered, trying to rub away the liquid.

"Damn him," Kou snarled before stalking to the door and throwing it open.

Shirogane stood there, with an expression so angry and terrible that Akira, though he could barely glimpse it from across the room, shuddered. He couldn't take his eyes away… he drank in the sight of the glorious king. His king… the one he loved so much. The one that would never grant him love.

"What do you want?" Kou asked.

"I've come for Akira."

"He doesn't want to go with you."

"I'm taking him."

"He ran away from you."

"Damn it, Kou! Don't act like you know what's going on, impudent brat! Don't you try to defy me!"

Akira was shaking, longing to feel that power even as much as it terrified him. When Shirogane was in a tempest of emotion like this, Akira wanted him more than almost anything. He was amazed that Kou wasn't shrinking away from that storm.

"I want to talk with him. Give him to me."

"He ran away from you!"

"Give him to me!"

He wanted to die… he just wanted to die. He couldn't take this. His grip on the coffee mug was trembling.

"Wasn't it you," Kou thundered, "that said if he ran away from you again, you would stop chasing him?!"

A heavy silence fell so suddenly Akira wondered if his wish had been granted. He raised his head to look. Shirogane's face was stunned, eyes wide… almost looking as if Kou had shot him. Kou, breathing hard, said quietly, "Didn't you?"

And slowly, without another word, Shirogane turned and disappeared. Kou slammed the door hard and said, "Good riddance." Then he turned to Akira and said, "He won't bother you again, Aki."

He closed his grey, ruby-flecked eyes in relief, but couldn't stop the mourning tears from pouring free.


	8. Chapter 8

_Hey guys. I blinked and two years had passed... (nervous laughter) Like I said before, this story has not been completed, even now. I'm working on it. I hope I won't flake out like that again, I tend to forget very easily and let time pass me by. I'll write myself a note and stick it to my monitor... ;; Anyway, new chapter, finally!_

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><p><strong><span>Chapter Seven<span>**

Kou seemed to sense Akira didn't want to be bothered, because he didn't speak to Akira after that. The young man remained curled up in his corner, holding onto the coldening mug. He let his tears fall silently, dripping down his chin. Some of them splattered into the coffee, but he didn't much notice – his silvery eyes were gazing off into nowhere.

That was it. It was over. Akira didn't feel as happy, or relieved, as he had hoped he would. Instead, he felt as if this was worse… as if his heart was being torn into pieces, slowly – no. It felt as if his heart wasn't even there anymore. He wanted Shirogane… he wanted him so badly. He wanted that warmth and comforting, the gentle touch, those soft kisses.

But he couldn't have him. Shirogane had always been with him for Ryuuko, from the very beginning. Even if Shirogane really could have forgotten his opposite, Akira couldn't. Ryuuko would always haunt him, in every shadow, in every word, in every blink of his eyes. Ryuuko would be there. It was for that he had to give it all up… because, even as Akira, he was nothing but Ryuuko.

Eventually, he fell asleep, still huddled in that same corner, face stiff with tears, and woke, whole body sore. He remained in the ache, trying to think things through. What should he do? Was there any way to get away from this? He didn't want to have to go through this with everyone. The best way was…

He took a bit to think about it, but then, with sinking heart, resigned himself to it. Then, he slowly stretched out, hissing, and almost instantly Kou was beside him.

"Are you all right, Aki?"

"Fine." He felt his muscles tremble as he pulled at them gently, and he was rewarded with the bliss of the release. "Just fine."

"Can I get you anything?"

"No, Kou. I'm… I'm going to go home."

"Home?"

"Yeah. Thanks… for letting me stay here." Don't let him hear how you're trembling. "I needed to get away from him for a bit."

"Shirogane's going to be waiting for you there, though… you don't want that, do you?"

"It'll be fine. I need to go home." He stood up, stretching his arms over his head. "Do you mind if I wash my face first."

Kou looked entirely unnerved, but he said, "My place is yours."

Akira stumbled to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. He jerked a bit at the sensation, but then welcomed how his mind snapped into focus. He scrubbed the tears away, rinsed again, then straightened up, burying his face in the towel. When he pulled it away, he saw Kou over his shoulder, watching him in the mirror.

"Aki… you're sure?"

"Absolutely. Thanks for everything… for being here for me."

"That's my purpose." He ruffled Akira's hair softly. "Always for you."

_Never for me,_ Akira thought. But he said, "Thanks."

"Aki." Kou's voice, his face was serious. "I love you. I do. Remember that, please."

Akira swallowed, but he managed a half-smile. "I will. I'll see you later, Kou."

And he set out on the walk home, his hands in his pockets, head down, trying to keep his thoughts calm. Once leaving Kou's house they began to spin out of control again, but with a bit of a struggle, he made it to the house and let himself inside. There was no sign of Shirogane, no hint of him, and that made Akira feel more than relieved. He slumped onto the couch and curled up, willing his heart and mind to slow down.

What was there to do? Staying here, there was no keeping Shirogane away for long. He acted like a pushover but had a mind of his own. Akira didn't want to deal with him forcing his way back in... even though he wanted it so, so badly. He wondered if he could just swallow the pain of knowing he wasn't what was wanted and just take the rewards for his suffering instead.

He could. He knew he could do that. But he didn't want to.

"What do I do," he murmured to himself tiredly. "Run away? But he could chase me down easily. He has before. Just give it up? Or..."

There was one option that provided a permanent escape. Akira felt his blood run cold to realise he was even considering it. Did he really want to get away that badly? But the longer he thought about it, the more it made sense. And if he was going to turn into Ryuuko anyway, wasn't it better to go out on his own terms, as himself, before he was no longer his own person?

He barely noticed as he got to his feet and went to the kitchen, taking a sharp knife with him. He climbed to his room, closed and locked the door, and then sank to the ground, knees to his chest. He looked at the knife for a good long time, the sharp edge gleaming innocently. A quick brush of his fingertip against it affirmed that it was indeed sharp.

"Am I really considering this...?"

But he felt there was no other choice. He had to escape - truly escape - and this was all he had. He couldn't deal with it anymore. Trembling, he raised the blade and lay it against his wrist. Seeing it glint against his skin gave him chills for a moment, and he took a deep breath, swallowing hard to steady himself. He had to do this… he had to.

"If I survive... I guess I'll take it as a sign."

He adjusted his grip on the knife and closed his eyes.


End file.
